Cor blimey, mate, you’re back in this bloody mess again, ain’t ya? Struggling to keep your nose out of the pint and your arse off the sofa, eh? Even if you’re doing something nice for someone else, like picking up their dry cleaning or taking their flaming yappy dog for a walk, it’s not because you’re Mother Teresa. It’s just because you don’t want to hear them nagging in your ear all bloody day. Do it with a bit of spark, love, not just because you were told to. And here’s a top tip to keep your luck in check: Always keep a four-leaf clover in your pocket. It’s better than keeping your hands there, you lazy sod!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!