Lately, you’ve been mulling over which of your chums could be entrusted with your secrets and who, given half a chance, would metaphorically stick a fork in your backside. It’s like an episode of EastEnders, innit? Your goals, both in the pub and the office, could get a bit of a boost from earwigging on the pearls of wisdom your old Auntie Maud’s been spouting. She’s the only one you can rely on now, poor sod. Now, your lucky charm this week is a stale crumpet. You might think it’s a bit naff, but I assure you, it’s yeastier than your dating prospects.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!