Right, listen up buttercup, it’s time to put on your big knickers and pay attention to the drivel you’re spouting in your text messages, emails and those antiquated phone calls. Make sure you’re spewing out sentences that actually bring a bit of cheer, not making people want to poke their eyes out with a blunt spoon. Out of the blue, some mug might think you’re actually worth their time and chuck you an invitation that’ll thrust you into the limelight like a dog in a tutu. Don’t cock it up, use this glimmer of hope to show off your ability to take charge, just like a three-legged cat in a dog show. Now, your lucky mantra today is “I’m not as think as you drunk I am”. Repeat it ad nauseam, preferably in a public place. It’s guaranteed to either get you a free pint or a restraining order. Now go forth and conquer, you cheeky sod!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!