Well, darling, what’s initially tickling your fancy like a cheap feather duster might just be an opportunity you should treat like a dodgy kebab – give it a wide bloody berth! It looks all shiny and tempting, like a bald man’s head under a disco ball, but it’ll crumble faster than a biscuit dunked in hot tea, leaving you as gutted as a fish at Billingsgate Market. Monetary matters with others? Treat ’em like my ex’s love letters – with a healthy dose of scepticism. If you’re chewing your nails over a decision, put it on the back burner. It’ll keep like last week’s stew, just don’t forget to stir it now and then. And here’s a lucky charm for you – a pair of ancient underpants. No, don’t pull that face, love. I’ve heard they’re quite the lucky charm in some cultures. Just remember, their magical powers don’t include the ability to stand up on their own.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!