Oi, luv, your work and social shindigs are taking up all your time, ain’t they? You’ve got to deal with everyone’s moans and groans before you can even think about your own dramas. And you, all keen as mustard, ready to rush headfirst into the fray. Well, calm your knickers, mate, because things are moving about as fast as a snail on a salt trail. As for your lucky charm, it’s a tortoise. Yeah, you heard me right, a bloody tortoise. Why? ‘Cause they’re slow, like your progress, but they always get to where they’re going eventually, don’t they? Plus, they’re hard-shelled, just like your head when you refuse to listen to advice. So get yourself a tortoise charm and remember – slow and steady wins the race… unless it’s a sprint, then you’re buggered.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!