Right, listen up sunshine! You’re running on stress like a chav on cheap cider, and it ain’t doing you any favours – you’re about as balanced as a one-legged flamingo on a unicycle! Remember when you could manage more than just scoffing a pack of biscuits while binge-watching telly? Those were the days, eh? If you fancy a bit of a chinwag, then get yourself out with some mates for a stroll. I know, shocking! Actual daylight and human interaction! But don’t worry, you won’t melt – you’re not a vampire, though I’ve seen more life in one. Lucky phrase for the day: “I’ll give it a go.” Yeah, I know it’s a bit of a shocker, but trust me, it’s better than your current mantra of “I’ll do it tomorrow.” Plus, it gives you a ready-made excuse when you inevitably cock it up – “Well, at least I gave it a go!” See? You’re luckier already. Oh, and your lucky colour is green. Not because it’s particularly beneficial or anything, but because you look less like a corpse when you wear it.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!