Alright, darling, listen up. It’s about ruddy time you took a minute for yourself, ain’t it? You’re about as decisive as a squirrel in the middle of a motorway, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. In love or war, you’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot! So do us all a favour, put your feet up, have a cuppa, and have a chinwag with your ticker and your spirit. You’ll find your answers, probably right next to that missing sock you’ve been looking for all week. And remember, your lucky colour this week is Paisley. Yes, that’s right, Paisley! Because when life gives you lemons, put on a hideous shirt and confuse the hell out of it!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!