Cor blimey, you got a resolution for the New Year, don’t ya? To finally stop being a tight-lipped wanker and let the cat out of the bag? Blimey, you’re always so bloody buttoned up, acting like you’re auditioning for the lead role in a remake of Downton Abbey. But, you know, it’s no use pretending to be all cool as a cucumber when inside you’re as nutty as a fruitcake. Why not try getting all artsy-fartsy for a change? Take up scribbling, daubing or even banging on the drums for all I care. Might just be the ticket to venting out all those tangled up thoughts you’ve got rattling around in your noggin. Might even be a bit of a laugh, who knows? And here’s a spot of luck for you: Your lucky charm is a purple thong. Yeah, you heard me right, a bloomin’ purple thong! You could wear it or just keep it in your pocket, though I reckon the former would be far more entertaining for the rest of us.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!