Oi, mate! Fancy a bit of a giggle, do ya? Well, pull up a chair and let me read you a bit of a cosmic piss-take. If you find yourself caught up in some Sherlock Holmes type bollocks, you’re on the right track. You’re supposed to lose yourself in a bit of mystery and intrigue, not your car keys, you numpty. Get into the habit of scribbling down your thoughts after finishing each chapter – it’s not like the telly’s any good these days. Who knows, you might even find yourself inspired to write your own load of old tosh. And with your way of spinning yarns, you could be the next Agatha Christie or, more likely, the next author of ‘Fifty Shades of Absolutely Ridiculous’. Either way, you’re primed to churn out a bestseller – or at least something that’ll prop up a wobbly table. Now, here’s a little something for the luck department: Your lucky charm is a pen. It’s mightier than the sword but don’t take it too literally, you plonker. It’s not a weapon unless you’re in a deadly game of Pictionary.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!