Get your arse off that mouldy couch, you lazy sod, and mingle with your mates and the nosy parkers living next door. You’re sure to have a bloody riotous time with these nutters who can turn your right royal mess into a bloody comedy sketch. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing the Christmas jig in a traditional fashion or adding your own wonky twist, it’s all about creating memories that make you chortle just thinking about them. If you’re lucky, you might even get to snog someone not too hideous under the mistletoe… just remember to brush your teeth, you minger. Lucky Charm: A Mistletoe. Hang it up and get ready for some action, but do us all a favour and keep your mouth shut about it. Nobody wants to hear about your tonsil tennis adventures; you are absolutely embarrassed.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!