Do us all a favour, love, and try not to be a right old misery guts today. Keep that atmosphere jolly and harmonious. A bit like a pint in the pub, but without the beer belly and questionable karaoke. And for the love of Queen and country, don’t go promising the world when you can’t even deliver a bloody letter. There’s no medal for being a martyr, but there is a special place in hell for those who let us down. If some old codger tries to drag you into their melodrama, be a bit of a stiff-upper-lip Brit and tell ’em where to stick their problems. You’re too busy sorting out your own cobblers to be their bleeding agony aunt. And remember, your lucky phrase today is “Bugger off!” Use it wisely when someone’s trying to sell you a dodgy watch or a knock-off handbag. It’s as good as garlic to a vampire, love. Now, off you trot and remember to keep that chin up, or you’ll end up tripping over your own feet.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!