Cor blimey, Charlie! You’re sitting about like a dodgy sloth in treacle, aren’t ya? Fed up of feeling like your life’s got less action than a nun�s Tinder profile, ain’t ya? Well, it’s up to you to stir your tea, love. It’s time to get your head out of the clouds and your backside off the couch. Imagine the future you really want. Picture it, like a raunchy page 3 girl or a juicy kebab at the end of a boozy night out. If you can see it, you’re halfway to making it as real as the Queen on a fiver. As for your lucky charm, keep an eye out for a stray pigeon with a mangled-toe. It’s as lucky as finding a full pint in a London pub. Don’t ask why, some things are just as mysterious as why they put pineapple on pizza.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!