Blimey, love, today’s not the day to go stirring the pot. Don’t you dare mention God, Eton, or Boris Johnson. You’ll likely bump into some know-it-all who thinks they’ve solved the bloody Da Vinci Code. Honestly, you don’t need that sort of tosh in your life today. Keep your chinwag as light as a Victoria sponge and dodge any squabbles like you’re dodging your ex at Tesco. For a touch of good fortune, I suggest you keep a rubber duck in your pocket. It’s your lucky charm, and I’m not quackers, I swear! Plus, it’s a great conversation starter, isn’t it? “Why do you have a rubber duck in your pocket?” “Oh, I’m just really fond of bath time.”

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!