If you’re planning on succeeding with your current hare-brained scheme, you’d best start grafting like a beaver on speed, you lazy so-and-so. Now, I don’t want to hear any more bleating about your past cock-ups. You’ve bollocksed things up before, we get it. If you want to get anywhere, you’d better have a goal clearer than a pint of gin on a Monday morning, and stick to it like a fat kid on a cupcake. And for the love of all things holy, find yourself a decent Yoda to guide you, not the village idiot. Now, here’s your lucky break. Paint your front door red. It’s a bloody good colour for attracting fortune. Just don’t blame me if the postman thinks he’s stumbled upon a brothel.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!