Blimey! If you’ve been feeling like your life’s a right dog’s dinner, it�s because you’ve been treating it like an all-you-can-eat buffet at a dodgy kebab shop. You’ve been piling on the responsibilities like extra chilli sauce, but now you’re wondering why you’re feeling a bit queasy. You’ve got to accept that some of your choices were about as smart as a chocolate teapot. Don’t let your pride keep you stuck in a situation that’s bringing you as much joy as a soggy chip butty. Here�s your lucky charm for the day: a pair of knickers with the tag ‘Made in China’. Because if something’s going to be stuck up your arse, it might as well be something foreign and exotic!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!