“Listen up, love. If you’re planning on pushing buttons or gallivanting about like some adrenaline junkie, make sure you’ve got your safety gear on tighter than a nun’s knickers. You’re the sort who thrives on a mind-boggling puzzle or a spot of strenuous legwork, always sniffing about for the next big thrill. Today, you’re going to be as busy as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest, so brace yourself.” Lucky charm: “Your lucky charm today is a horseshoe. Not that it will help you with your luck, but at least you can use it to clout anyone who gets on your wick. Cheeky, I know, but let’s face it, it’s more useful than your current charm – your personality!”

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!