Blimey, you’ve got to butter up your kith and kin a bit more, haven’t you? Seems like they’re feeling as neglected as a cup of tea that’s gone cold. Yes, yes, you might think you’ve already done your bit, but it’s clear they need more love than a desperate singleton on Valentine’s Day. So, pull up your socks, put on your best smile and spread the love around like it’s Marmite on toast! And, here’s your lucky charm – a four-leafed clover. Not that it’ll do you much good. It’s as useful as a chocolate teapot, but at least it’s better than a kick in the trousers!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!