Well, you’re having a proper chinwag with yourself about this thing called life and separating the wheat from the chaff, ain’t ya? It’s high time you shoved off anything or anyone who’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot when it comes to your progression. Fancy a bit of a lifestyle makeover, do you? You’re thinking about swapping the crisps for carrot sticks and the pint for a Pilates class. And those so-called ‘mates’ who are more like a fart in a spacesuit? Time to give them the old heave-ho, sunshine. Lucky Charm: A four-leafed clover. But remember, it’s as much use as a handbrake on a canoe if you don’t put in the graft, you lazy sod!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!