Bloody hell, you’re not looking for a horoscope, you’re looking for a lifeboat! You’d better start changing course, love. Sticking to your initial plan is about as useful as a chocolate teapot when the ship’s sinking. Sometimes, it’s the road less travelled that leads you to the pot of gold, innit? So, put your ear to the ground and listen out for the mutterings of mad geniuses or the ramblings of a drunk poet. And here’s a bit of luck for you, you cheeky bugger. Your lucky colour is royal blue. Goes well with your bruised ego and pairs nicely with the foot you’re about to put in your mouth.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!