Right, listen up, you absolute muppet. Now ain’t the blinking time to try and drop a few pounds or quit your filthy habits. With more distractions than a squirrel in a nut factory, you’d have more luck trying to teach a goldfish the macarena. So, don’t even think about donning those dusty exercise leggings. Hold your horses for another week before you even consider becoming the next Jane Fonda. As for your lucky whatnot, try this on for size: “A stitch in time saves nine.” Though in your case, it’s more like “A pie in time expands your waistline.” So, put down that flippin’ doughnut, you cheeky git.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!