There’s a young whippersnapper in your clan who’s got the hots for learning some new tricks, ain’t there? Give ’em a pat on the back, you old sceptic, and they’ll spring up like a Jack-in-the-box on steroids. Oh, and here’s a bit of a giggle, you’re thinking of playing Monopoly in real life, aren’t you? Buying and selling property? Good on ya, but don’t be a right plonker – get a hard-nosed professional to snooker the system for you. It’s the only way to keep your purse strings tied up tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm! And for God’s sake, squint at that fine print on the contracts like it’s the last page of a racy novel. It’s bloody crucial, mate. Lucky phrase for you: “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”, but remember, if the bird’s a parrot, it might just bite the hand that feeds. Now wouldn’t that be a proper laugh!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!