Star Sign Dating – Astro Dating

We all have experienced a date falling flat. You know, the guy or girl you met on the Internet chat site that seemed such fun and then turned out to be a total let down. Nothing can quite describe that sinking feeling in the stomach when the blind date turns out to be a Hulk lookalike, or is even uglier than “Ugly Betty!”

Anyone would reach for the crème to menthe in desperation! So what happens to our Astro Club when they let us down in the first date department?

ARIES

Aries could be the “mother of horrific dates”. After having argued that hard-nosed exercise far exceeds your stupid ideas on transcendental meditation the Aries could screech a fork across a plate or make an embarrassing public scene with you both being asked to leave the pub, restaurant, coffee bar, etc. By this time your adrenalin will be speeding around your body like a Porsche 911 down the motorway, or right out the door!

TAURUS

A Taurus horror date means coming down to earth with a thud! The Taurus will stare at you with a bovine look in their eyes. They will then start gazing over their shoulder, as if they are expecting an asteroid to strike. They will proceed to respond to your perfectly friendly questions with grunts. You want to frolic they want to order more cream cakes. You will feel so bored you will tell them you forgot you had booked a plane to Kathmandu!

GEMINI

You meet your Gemini horror date in the coffee bar, and note them looking at members of the opposite sex with a leer. They then start calling up their ex boyfriends, girlfriends on their mobile, while you are left staring desperately into your café latte. This is no fun, you feel rejected, and you feel ignored. They jump up from their seat, nattering on about being late for their interview on a talk show. You will be left stuffing your face with pretzels to get over the shock!

CANCER

This horror date better not be on a lunar eclipse! If it is, expect your Cancer date to be on the mobile to mum exchanging notes on cookery classes or cures for a relative’s ingrowing toenail! The horrible Cancer date will then morph into loony bird snapping at you one minute, nodding in approval the next whilst, attempting to adjust your tie, and(or) wipe spots of your frock. Watch in horror as your Cancer date suddenly sinks into a sea of morose silence. Make your excuses and run!

LEO

The horror Leo dates means a big letdown. The hair is big, the smile is big, the entrance is big, but the arrogance is gigantic! Be sure that everything you have done they have done better. You climbed a mountain, they scaled Everest. You crossed the Channel in a rowing boat; they crossed the Atlantic on drift wood. This will be followed by launching into a monologue about how you do not understand what they are about. By that time you will have been on the mobile to your ex, your flat mate, your mum and your boss, without them even noticing. Time to leave indeed!

VIRGO

The horror Virgo date will start with a critical analysis of how the colour you are wearing makes them feel profoundly ill. They will then expound on how it does not suit you with factual back up data. It brings bad luck; it is the only color, color blind people are glad they cannot see, etc. You might try to argue desperately but they will insist on telling you “how it is!” until you want to know “where it is” the exit door we mean!

LIBRA

The Libra horror date charm will be “overkill!” It is comprised of over complimenting your get up, even if you are dressed head to foot in Salvation Army caste offs. The Libra will ooze with charisma so much so, you could will want to vomit. Their effusions about how they just redecorated their flat with wall to wall Laurence Llewellyn Bowen will have you running out the door before they can say “pass the spray gun!”

SCORPIO

The horror Scorpio date will stare at you as if you are a witch’s cauldron simmering with frogs. Their Pluto gaze obviously fixates on your physical flaws! The black leather waistcoat, the frowning eyebrows, the sophisticated savvy approach does nothing for your inferiority complex. However it gets really bad when they start reminiscing about how they wreaked horror movie style vengeance upon a previous date. This could have you running for the exit, scared to pieces!

SAGITTARIUS

The horror Saggy date promised you a riding weekend in Devon. Things went well as you joggled across the moors on your ponies. But things got super horrific when the horrible Saggy started to tell you the sordid secrets of an ex girl/boyfriend and the practical jokes played upon them. No you don’t want to sleep in a tent in the pouring rain; all you want to do is comb your date’s hair which is full of twigs, and all knotted up. You also want to go home!

CAPRICORN

The Capricorn horror date will be dressed in Burberry and want to go to Fortnum and Masons for tea. You do not dig the snotty waiters, and are bored speechless by interminable name dropping and references to weekends with the “Princes”. You feel disapproved of because you did not go to public school, or get a first at Cambridge. The posh twittering makes you long for a lager! You don’t even bother to shake hands as you rush out the swing doors cursing!

AQUARIUS

The Aquarius horror date shows up with a group of lookalike Harry Potter Wiccans clad in witch and wizard gear, who ask you to pay for the fish and chips. This really is too much you think as you reach into your wallet. The date then morphs into an encounter group with discussions on the Illuminati and whether the world is being taken over by lizards, you just wish you had never answered that lonely hearts column!

PISCES

Pisces will vaguely accept your invitation for a date, vaguely show up at the appointment, vaguely agree to go to a Chinese restaurant and then vaguely stare at their plate of Peking duck forever. They will then dreamily answer your questions, and gaze behind your shoulder at the restaurant aquarium with tears in their eyes. You will feel like a Shark. You will pay the bill and sneak out the back entrance when they are not looking, which is most of the time anyway!