Astrology: Bad Movies for Star Signs

Many of us enjoy being scared to “Kingdom Come.” We hire a horror video and hide behind the sofa when the hero gets torn limb from limb by a crazy loon wielding a meat cleaver. From indifferent to just plain terrified, the repertoire of human emotions is stimulated by the horror movie that we love to hate. Some scream flicks might be deemed lousy simply because they rub up against our own worst fears, or just so silly we laugh hysterically.

So let us examine how each sun sign works their way through the blood and guts celluloid scenario?

ARIES

The mediocre horror movie to end all mediocre horror movies as far as control freak Aries the ram is concerned could be “The Return of the Living Dead”. A mass of totally gormless zombies rising from their graves and going about life in a very messy manner will have our Aries out of their seat, and running three times around the block. Ten out of ten for bad taste. This is a stinker of an Aries scary movie.

TAURUS

Comfort loving Taurus simply loathes the sight of low life maniacs cutting up people for hamburgers as per the disgusting “The Corpse Grinders!” That less than thrilling epistle will have our peeved Taurus rushing to the fridge and digging into the ice cream cake just to calm down! Solution? Either they will turn the sound down or put on a couple pounds. Bad taste points for this ghastly celluloid catastrophe, nine out of ten.

GEMINI

Gemini’s enjoy stimulating their minds, surfing the web or watching DVDs as part of that process. But see our Gemini falling off the edge of his sofa at the very thought of a few sordid VHS images “doing him in” as per “The Ring”. The Gemini mind intellectualizes and ruminates, mini nervous breakdowns could follow. Disturbance value on this Gemini stinker of a horror movie warrants a resounding ten out of ten.

CANCER

Home loving Cancers do not dig horror movies. They are far too vulgar for the sensitive water sign soul. Cancers are essentially crab like in nature, they hide in their shells when stressed, and boy oh boy do they love the ocean! So the worst horror movie in their book is definitely “It Came From Beneath the Sea”. Seeing only ten minutes of this celluloid disaster, will have our crabbies running backwards down the beach before you can say “here’s your cuddly toy!” Bad taste Cancer score for this ultimate stinker? A resounding ten out of ten.

LEO

Leos likes to identify with their sun sign, the lovely Lion. They admire the feline, and tend to look like cats themselves with that thick head of hair and sinuous walk. The ultimate Leo horror movie stinker would definitely be “Ghost and the Darkness” or “Lions” about noble beasts on a blood and guts rampage, even if it stars Michael Douglas. Leos would be down the pub, before you could say “Where’s your pussy cat?” This absurd feline horror epic takes a resounding ten out of ten for wildlife ineptitude.

VIRGO

Virgos pre-plan and write lists. In other words they tend to get “into their heads”. Stinker horror movies like the “Screaming Skull” could have them more than screaming it could instigate the ultimate in nightmares. Somewhere deep in the Virgo unconscious they realize they over think, over analyze and over criticize. As they switch off the DVD player in a fit of outraged pique, there could lurk one small, scary question, will their skulls start screaming too? So ten out of ten Virgo points for this film’s bad taste and upsetting content! Ahhhhh!

LIBRA

Librans like beauty and balance, harmony, parties and fashion shows. They are less inclined to watch horror movies than most. But that “Carrie – or the Look of Satan!” epic will see them absolutely outraged at all that pig’s blood messing up Carrie’s perfectly nice party frock on prom night. Libran points for this scary movie’s lack of fashion flair and good manners would be a “disgusted” ten out of ten.

SCORPIO

Scorpio ladies are not scared by horror films, they are scared by mediocrity. Vampires and ghouls are like “water off a ducks back” since Scorpios tend to holiday in Transylvania. A film that would have them reaching for the crème to menthe however is “Stepford Wives” starring Nicole Kidman. Seemingly mainstream housewives acting like computerized, empty headed zombies controlled by their husbands would have your average Scorpio thinking twice before tying the knot. Scorpio scoring for this turgid domestic horror, a disappointing eight out of ten!

SAGITTARIUS

The Saggy folk love their pets, especially their faithful yet dribbling “man’s best friend!” Therefore, the “mother of all horror stinkers” as far as Saggy is concerned is definitely “Cujo” about an out of control Saint Bernard attacking its master and their child. The outraged Saggy might even demonstrate outside the video hire store with a “Free Cujo” placard around their neck. Using a beloved family pet in a horror movie is beyond the joke for our fun friend! Ten out of ten for this unkind stinker.

CAPRICORN

Cappys like life to be predictable. Everything in its place all neat and tidy. They might not be as fond of animals as Saggy, but the “tweety tweet tweet” of meadow larks on the country estate makes them feel all is right with the world. Therefore Cappys most abysmal horror movie is Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”. The thought that feathery friends could dive bomb their eye sockets on a tranquil walk in the rose garden would make the Cappy tea pot shake in their hand as they offer the cucumber sandwiches. Cappys abysmal taste score is ten out of ten for The Birds.

AQUARIUS

Aquarians like to think that humanity is in process of evolution, that the young folks are the future. This Water Carrier’s playful ways make them frequently child-like themselves! So that horror movie stinker “The Children of the Damned” would get Aquarians perturbed, annoyed, and liable to complain to the distributors. They would not even bother to vote.

PISCES

Pisces are imaginative folk that swim around the depths of the subconscious mind with flair. They like their odd dreams and visions, and above all they like fish. So “Jaws” would be the ultimate in bad taste as far as Pisces are concerned. When will people understand that sharks are just fish with bad press? They will tell you that more people are killed by car accidents than Big Whites every year. Pisces could tend to overact, however, and throw this horror video out with the trash. Scoring points shows a miserable ten of ten for “sea creature prejudice”.