Astrological Dark Sides

We all know how positive the Astro Club can be. Just think of generous Leo, go getting Aries and smart Gemini. But when things get out of balance, sometimes due to the stress of everyday living, challenging psychological results could ensue, and you could see our friendly astro bunch sinking deep into their dark sides.

The side they usually do not want you or me to see, the side they are afraid to take out of the closet! Ahhhhhh!


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Fiery Aries dark sides are into yelling and dictatorial attitudes. See them gesticulating rudely and screaming as per “the great dictator” Hitler, who himself was an Aries. Stamping feet and temper tantrums, accompanied by unfair accusations could be a result of not getting enough exercise. Aries butts obstacles out of the way, if you happen to be standing in that way, you could fall flat on your butt. The Aries dark side is actively irritating!


Earth Taurus dark side loves banquets. They also love that slow moving style that thinks little of initiative and a lot of letting the fates take care of themselves. The true mess is that nothing ever gets done and a lot gets eaten. Sport is a dirty word, and activities to encourage mental health are not even considered. The Aries dark side is food orientated and heavy weight.


A borderline mental condition is not really the issue when it comes to the airy Gemini twin’s dark side. What is the issue in Gemini morphing into the bad twin 24 hours a day? The bad twin screams, the good twin counsels, the bad twin yells, the good twin whispers, the bad twin nags the good twin advises. This does not bode well, and Gemini needs to get an intellectual grip on their dark side, or go into Jungian psychoanalysis.


See this watery sun sign walk backwards down the beach, high street or front room the moment they get into their terrifying Cancer bad-sided mood swings. This is not “moon gazing fun”, no, this is sheer emotional angst, and it has this crabby character screaming “Pass the salt” at loving wives and doting offspring. If Cancer does not get a grip on their dark side they might morph into Alien!


Leo’s sun is so radiant; it could only caste a long, dark shadow. See Leo’s dark side emerge when they refuse to pay bills, and argue with traffic wardens. Yelling at old dears could also occur unfortunately. Having temper tantrums and shaving their heads (in the worst cases as Leo hair is a consistent “issue“) could also be the tragic outcome! Leo might also get into financial “hot water”, as they are “the last of the great spenders” Meditation in an isolation tank to avoid furious creditors is recommended for this fire sign’s darker side!


Virgos will tend to carp, nag and get “dark side” anxiety attacks. They will clean everything in sight with their swivel super duster, and see crumbs on the floor where there are none. This could be followed by hand washing routines, and picking the dust off the duster with their fingers. The Virgo analysis of reality could go completely skew whiff, and they might end up digging holes in the garden, and hiding in them. Their tendency to over analyze and get picky is not good! Call in the Salvation Army!


The Libran dark side might lecture friends, and scheme. They could also join the Illuminati and plan to take over the world’s banking systems. They will eerily smile all the while, and instead of resembling sweeties, their dimples could morph them into the ultimate “Chucky” of horror movie fame. Things get really bad when they throw out their bathroom scales. A spell with the Amazonian Indians in order to “get real” is recommended!


Scorpios dark side morphs into “night frights”. They wander around graveyards, muttering. They could also grow vampire teeth, and unfortunately not look as handsome as Tom Cruise in “Interview with a Vampire” but more like the 1920s pale and skinny “Nosferatu”. They might get into brooding on the edge of that river to see the corpses of their enemies float by too. They will create great stress in those around them, and should be sent to a homeopath for spiritual detoxification.


The half man half horse creature’s dark side will start putting an excessive foot in virtually everything! They will tell their mother in law she needs to go on a weight watchers course, because she resembles a hippo, and then trip over their door mat. They will bang around, bumping into people and making inappropriate tactless jokes. They will be excessively irresponsible and could even forget to tie the bungee jumping cord around their waists, which could end in tragedy. They need a course of Bach Flower Rescue remedy, and the confessional.


The straight laced, earthy Capricorn’s dark side will dress up once too often. Expensive shopping, snobbery, social climbing, gossiping about others lack of manners, and super up-tightness are all symptoms of a Cappy glitch! Friends will turn ex, as they long for those good old days of cucumber sandwiches on the lawn. When the Cappy sacks the maid you know they are in real trouble. These goats obviously need a detox sauna, an expensive resort and some hard talking to!


Aquarius dark side could show them super detached, except in sexual matters! They will seem cold hearted and unapproachable to their lovers, and be classified as “uncaring!” They will also be accused of taking romantic advantage. They will shrug and create another machine that nobody wants to patent. They will dye their hair unsociable colours like phosphorescent red or super puce. They need to join The Disclosure Project, which is geared to UFO disclosure, and talks to people like themselves without flinching. Another cure could be kite flying!


Dark sided Pisceans could actually want to morph into an aquarium. Depressions, and long gazing sessions will leave them high and dry on some far off shore. They will have taken on all their best mates’ problems and end up believing they are them! The Pisces dark side never knows where and when to draw the line! The trouble starts when they start wearing their friends’ outfits, and talking like them. When the little yellow van comes to take them away, they are almost relieved. Who wants to be a “single white female” anyway!

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Philip Garcia

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